Despite all my readiness for school to start, however, I was still caught off guard. By sending both lads out the door in backpacks, I seem to have worked myself out of a job. So now I need to find a new one. One that pays.
So I put all my hard-won skills from the past four years together into an awesome new resume!
Human Tissue, Truck Surgeon, Short Order Cook, Hostage Negotiator, Paleontologist, Pack Horse, Play-doh Sculptor, Head House Parlor Maid, Cat Wrangler, Hypnotist, Life Guard, Comforter-in-Chief, Shipwreck Historian, Dishwasher, Gourmet Chef, Homework Overseer, Pixar Consultant, Wardrobe Consultant, Minimalism Advocate, Scheduler, Bum Wiper, Morale Officer, Laundress, Sporadic Blogger, YMCA Promoter, Block City Urban Planner, Scooter Mechanic, Personal Shopper, Nutritionist, Microapartment Poster Child, Lego Engineer, Associate Miracle Worker, Train Conductor, Children’s Book Critic, Playground Attendant, Bad Habit Enabler, Vehicle Sketch Artist, Yoga Pants Model, Stick Figure Drawing Archivist, Bin Counter, Chelsea Neighborhood Tour Guide, Benevolent Matriarch, Personal Organizer, Shepherd, Bag Lunch Caterer, Lullabye Siren, Basketball Coach, Child Labor Scofflaw, Puppeteer, Napkin Holder, Sandbox Dispute Mediator, and Box Wine Sommelier.
If you’re hiring, do let me know! I’m sure I’ll be cozily re-ensconced in the working world in no time!
In my actual (obviously unsuccessful) job search, people ask me “What do you do?” And I answer them honestly: I don’t really know. I was a teacher, but my license isn’t for New York, so in practice I am ostensibly a freelancer of some sort. I write, I edit, I design, I format, I market, and I do it for rock-bottom rates! I just don’t do it very often, or for very many clients.
And please nobody tell the Man of My Dreams or the PTA president that I finished my last project and am really just blogging. And watching TV in the middle of the day. And throwing stuff out by the armful.
So far, I haven’t developed a drinking problem. But there’s still time. It’s not yet 2:00.